Thursday, June 23, 2011

From Imperfectionism to Love

It's been a while since I've written here.  This has been a time of inner reorganization (and some outer reorganization, too).  A couple of months ago I decided that I want nothing to do with anyone or anything that feels like a struggle.  Difficult relationships?  No thanks.  Bending over backwards to accommodate everyone who crosses my path? I'll pass.  Rushing around like a madwomen to try to almost literally be in 6 places at once. . . what am I thinking?  Giving all this up has been a magical experience.  So much in myself and my life has shifted to a higher level from that one single decision.

So this leads to this moment, and this blog.  I have had a desire for a while to teach what I've learned the past few years (ok, more like 10) about love and personal transformation; to start a business that allows me to serve the world in a much bigger way.  This blog was a tiny first step towards that goal.  I'm still sorting out my message, and the ultimate framework that I want to deliver, so I am going to shift this blog a little to help myself do that.

I want to teach about love.  How real, deep, profound, extraordinary love can change a person, a relationship, and the world.  I have learned a lot about what it takes to create happiness and find inner peace, and I am going to start sharing my ideas on this.  I will probably still talk about the value of imperfectionism, but I want to broaden my scope and, in the process, find my voice.

I have a favor to ask of you, too.  Please give me feedback.  What kinds of issues are you facing in your life right now that you'd like help solving?  What personal goals or intentions have you set this year?  What is blocking you from realizing those goals?  If you have ideas or suggestions for this blog and for me, please let me know.

Thanks for reading and following my journey, if you have been.  I'm only just getting started! My intention is to create a blog that is of greater service and value to you as time goes on.


Friday, April 8, 2011

I Did It My Way

I did a fun thing today.  I attended a psychic development class that I found on Meetup.  I've always been interested in psychic and intuitive development.  I was excited to go.  But my excitement turned into fear as soon as the teacher said, "Ok, now we're going to do readings in front of the group."  What? An oral presentation, on the first day of class?  I haven't read the book. I don't know what I'm doing.  Can I get out of this?  Maybe pretend to go to the bathroom and slip out the back?

I am afraid to be wrong.  Really, really afraid to put myself out there, to put my pride on the line, and fail.  It critically wounds my sensitive soul.  All the advice out there on moving past fear is basically, "Just do it."  I agree with that, but I'm not sure I always agree with what 'it' is.  For some people, jumping in and practicing sink-or-swim works.  It probably leads to fantastic breakthroughs.  For me, it leads to post-traumatic stress disorder.  Those of us who are intuitive and sensitive experience life very acutely, and sometimes we need to find a subtler, more graceful strategy to handle the challenges we face.  And that's ok.  I've spent enough time feeling anxious, self-critical and unhappy.  If the task in front of me is paralyzing, I will find another way that suits my temperament and balances the challenge with fulfillment.

So I decided in the psychic class that my intention was to relax my mind and learn to receive impressions. I didn't try to interpret them, I just shared whatever came to me.  It was fun, and without the pressure of trying to be right, I learned a lot about the way my intuition works.

From now on, I will just do it.  I will just do it my way.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The badly-written post

It's been over a week and a half since my last post.  I did write a draft of a post last week that I might still publish, but right now it needs some editing.  Editing is a very long, arduous and nasty process in my world.  I want to keep my commitment to myself to keep writing, but I also want to get some sleep tonight.  So I am just going to post whatever.  Just to keep me on schedule.  Nothing clever, nothing educational, nothing that involves editing.  I am just going to put it out there that I am publishing a badly-written post today.  Action wins over procrastination.

And I take another very small step forward.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Second Step

Ok, so let me fill you in on what's transpired since my first post. . .

60 people came to the blog. I don't know how many people actually read it, but the critical part of me is surprised that 60 people even bothered to click the link. (You know, because I'm so inadequate.)

A bunch of people (i.e. my friends) commented and messaged me very wonderful and supportive things.  This made me very happy.  If nothing else, I know I am loved.  But here's the double-edged nature of support from your friends--it can bolster your confidence, squelch your inner critic and give you the push you need to keep going.  It can also temporarily give you delusions of grandeur.  With all these wonderful comments and support, I found myself fantasizing: maybe this blog thing will be a success after all.  Maybe I can really take this somewhere.  People will be amazed by my writing and I'll acquire a tribe of followers.  News outlets will come across my blog; intrigued by my unique blend of humility and wisdom, they'll ask to interview me.  I'll get more followers.  I'll become an expert speaker, and tour the world giving lectures.  I'll help thousands of people and make lots of money.  I'll live my dream, pay off my parents' mortgage, start a college fund for my nephews, feed starving children in Africa. It will be amazing.  I can't wait. . .

Then I think about my next post.  Suddenly this second blog post has taken on a lot of meaning.  In fact, it's a little overwhelming.  I'm not sure I want to do this.  And resistance has its jaws firmly in my forward momentum.

So I've been thinking about the next post on and off for the past however-many days, going through the roller-coaster ride of coming up with a great idea, and then losing my excitement when I actually start to intend to write it.  I even wrote a draft of a post this weekend, but then decided it wasn't right.  It's easy to jump on myself and judge, but I will say one thing--I don't think the resistance is necessarily bad, as long as you keep moving forward.  The conclusion I ended up coming to is that all the great post ideas that I have are great, they're just a little ahead of where I actually am in my journey.  What I really want to share right now is my truth in this moment, which isn't quite as grand as my delusions would want it to be.  But I will file those other great ideas away for when they do feel right.  And in the meantime, I will write something.  Trust me when I say that the biggest mistake you can make is the mistake of inaction.*

So beware the perfectionistic mind's secret weapon--delusions of grandeur.  Very clever, Ego.  Very clever.

P.S. I don't think that these delusions are only of our grandeur.  I think that even when we start personal projects, as perfectionists we imagine the perfect outcome--and then anything we actually do will seem inadequate.  My advice--do it, anyway. It's very liberating to be imperfect. And there's very little in life that can't be fixed or redone.

*Research does NOT count as action.  I cannot stress this strongly enough!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The First Step

Welcome.  Welcome to my humble, badly-written blog.

My name is Steph.  I am a mistress of resistance, a pro at procrastination.  I am so good at procrastination that this blog is an act of procrastination to avoid doing something that might be scarier, more lucrative and more productive.  I typically get these great big ideas, and then I figure out how not to execute them.  It’s my forte.

That is how this blog started.  The latest in my string of big, beautiful ideas (the list really is quite impressive) was to start a blog that would describe my journey to overcome my depression, in the hopes that it might help people who are where I was ten years ago.  I wanted to give them all my experience, my tips, and my recommendations.  In typical resistant fashion, the very first thing I did was to dig out the Blogging for Dummies book my sister gave me. (Because you know how vitally important research is to procrastinators.  .  . but only if it's long, exhaustive, exhausting, and never-ending.)  I couldn’t skip straight to the chapter that actually tells you how to start a blog—oh no no no!—I had to read the introduction, memorize all the blogging terms and get acquainted with the blogosphere by browsing 20 or 30 examples on the Internet.  Then, finally, I got to the part about setting up my first blog.

When the initial setup was done, I sat there in front of the computer and had a big, fat realization: this was not going to be fun.  Because it wasn’t going to be perfect, and I was going to agonize over that.  In fact, it might be quite bad and excruciating to both write and read.  And that would kill my desire to blog.  My perfectionism has been the weapon of my resistance that has relentlessly murdered most of my creative desires.

I decided in that moment that I’d had it.  I’d had it with letting all my mental crap get in the way of pursuing my dreams.  So The Badly-Written Blog was born.  I am done with trying and pretending to be perfect.  I am outing myself here and now.

I am going to write a blog.  And it’s going to be imperfect.  It might be downright awful.  But I’m writing it anyway.